Sultry Stand.

Blogspot feels so constraining lately. Im gonna freestyle it this post, just like Mrs. Wilson taught us in 8th grade. Stream of consciousness.

I wish I could write like I think Im capable of. I want to write meaningful things, not just blogposts or scribbling phrases I think have potential down in my moleskin. I wish I had the time or energy or drive to do that. I dont though. I really wish I got into that writing program this quarter, but I didnt. Im trapped in a class I hate, that I desperately try to forget that I am in. Its not a bad class, Im just uninterested in the time period in American and World history that we are studying. Also, I have completely no taste for economics and politics at this point in my life (beyond what I deem baseline appropriate to be an American citizen.)

I have stories and ideas and characters in my head. I know I need a change. I was kidding around with Elsa the other night, saying we should go build a cabin in the woods and live in it, away from society and we could live off the land, pull a Thoreau. It'd be great. Id write and she'd record her music. "...live deliberately" as he put it. Gosh. That be nice. I like Elsa a lot. I like all my roommates, but shes probably the one person who never annoys me the least bit, ever. She'd be good to live with in the woods.

Im trying to make the perfect mix CD right now, and its not going well. I need to send it tomorrow if I want it to get there before Sunday. It sucks in a way, trying to find a number of songs that sound nice together, but still send an appropriate message to the listener. This doubly sucks, because I cant dechipher lyrics to songs unless I really concentrate. I may end up with a mix that sends subliminal messages that say "I hate you" or "We should just be friends" or "F*** the institution". All I really want to say is "I like you" and "I like these songs and hope you find them enjoyable as well." I should title the CD that. Oh well.

This is liberating. I need to do this more often, for the sake of writing if not for the sake of Mrs. Wilson.

I really need to stop wasting so much time on the internet. Im on blogspot, facebook, myspace, tumblr, twitter, formspring, and probably other stuff that I cant even think of right now. I feel empty and shallow when I waste hours on these things, often times just waiting around until someone posts something I probably dont care about. Its instant gratification, and Im slowly realizing how dependent I have become on this. I am not willing to put forth the effort required for delayed gratification which leads me to question everything (or a lot of things) I thought I stood for. This is not self doubt, this is self analyzation before it is too late. I need a conscious effort to change my ways. I dream that my revalation will hit me like a ton of bricks and that I will wake up one day, hit the gym, read a newspaper, do my homework, read classic and meaningful literature, and then make an attempt to write my own. That wont happen. Baby steps.